Watermelon-Eating Dog Provokes Stabbing
I'm tired as I write this, but I think that even if I were of sound mind and body, this would still make no sense. Apparently, a Boston dude stabbed himself "to prove to his brother he wasn't afraid of pain," according to police. A lot of other weird shit happens after that, and the writer of this news story seems intent on pinning it on the watermelon-eating dog (not pictured above) with the seemingly innocent words "helped cause" as in, "A dog eating a watermelon helped cause a Boston man to repeatedly stab himself..." Read Related: Headline of the Day
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Japan Unveils a Unicycle Robot
My first reaction to this was — uh, of course they did! And then, it's about time! After that, it was, the world has been waiting with bated breath! 
Baskin-Robbins Death Shake has 2,300 Calories
Death by milkshake. Diabetes in a glass. Call it what you will, but no normal human being should drink this 2,300 calorie Baskin Robbins frozen monstrosity. 
Man Vows to Fight Garden Gnome Arrest Threat
I'm not a huge fan of gnome lawn ornaments, but this following news story is absurd. Englishman Gordon MacKillop was woken up in the middle of the night by policemen who served him with a notice for "placing a garden gnome with intent to cause harassment to Mr. John McLean," his neighbor with whom he'd had land disputes over the years. 
Webber Pulls For Laid-Off Bankers
File this under, "It's the thought that counts." Andrew Lloyd Webber thinks that laid-off Brit bankers are going to feel like celebrating if he gives them two free tickets to his current shows, “The Sound of Music” and “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.” But they have to bring their dated pink slips to the box office to get the tickets! Dude. 
