Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Hilary Duff. That's how you know them, but to the scientists at Disney's Genetic Engineering Lab where child stars are produced, they're referred to as 6831-A, B, and C. You see, at the Disney lab, their brains were engineered for dancing and singing and their looks tweaked from the same genetic structure.
I'm a longtime
Yelp user, but lately things are getting a little crowded and messy in there. But it looks like I'll have options pretty soon: The Onion (yes,
that Onion) is launching
a new website for users to rate businesses, called
Decider. It's not satirical, like its founder, but sincere, much like the AV Club.
In addition to teaching women the crucial skill of "shitting themselves thin," Cosmopolitan magazine has been there for women for by teaching them how to please men in every way, shape, form, and permutation you can imagine. (Cuz, like, that's our duty in life, got it?) Well, you can't say trashy-ass Cosmo hasn't been consistent. It was, after all, "founded to make sure men get all the pleasure they can that is humanly possible."
Remember fake Darrin (Bewitched) and fake Jan (Brady Bunch)? The Onion's AV Club reminded me of what they called
"jarring cases of recast roles" in sitcoms. So I dug up this gem of a video — "fake Jan" on a short-lived (and ill-conceived) Brady Bunch variety hour.
This satirical news story is probably closer to the truth than we'd like to think. Turns out that Domino's Pizza is really just one grand experiment to test the limits of what humans will eat. The findings?
Meet Taffy. She's cute, but she's been barking nonstop for six years straight. In her sleep.
Experts conclude that unless something is done to curb our consumption of the juggernaut known as Miley Cyrus, Inc., she will go the way of the Lindsay Lohans and Olsen twins of today. All of those entities, says a noted entertainment scientist, "were bountiful entertainment resources that our overconsumption reduced to smoldering remnants." He continues ominously, "We are burning through Miley at a far more aggressive rate."
We all know that a movie role doesn't have to require tons of screen time in order to make a big impression. Just look at some past Oscar nominations, like Ruby Dee's nod for her role in
American Gangster, which was brief but powerful. Or even some Oscar wins, like Judi Dench's score for playing Queen Elizabeth I in Shakespeare in Love.
The Onion once again has an awesome tech send-up — and this time their victim is video games and the nerds who play them (we are secure with who we are). What if you could play an avatar playing an avatar in World of World of Warcraft? Check out the video and see if the metaness doesn't make your head explode.
Pizza crusts filled with cheese and meat. Monster portions. Obesity at an all-time high.
